


I love you... goodbye

by angst__queen



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, im so sorry, no happy ending, wrote this in a day, yearly 4/20 fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 04:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18542500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angst__queen/pseuds/angst__queen
Summary: Keith receives a worrying message when sleeping which results in a panic and massive search for the truth before it's too late.





	I love you... goodbye

Keith looks over at the device sitting on the nightstand next to his bed. Pidge recently gave them all cellphone-like-devices to communicate easier without having to navigate through the maze of a castle they lived in together. The screen dims by the time he focuses on it, so he moved to grab the device and turn it back on.

  
On the screen reads one notification from "Sharpshooter", sent to their group chat. Keith clicks the pop-up and unlocks the screen. He’s confused by what he reads.

  
(Sharpshooter): i love you guys so much your all the best family anyone could ever ask for

Lance being loving to everyone? That’s normal. Of course, that’s not what he was confused by. Lance has always been loving, always making sure everyone is okay, but this… this seemed off. It was the combination of the lack of grammar and the fact that it was sent this “late”- time is irrelevant in space but they still use the 24-hour system from earth. He thinks of what this could possibly be about for this to be sent so late.

 

Apparently, he’s the last one to read this, as everyone else has replied to this minutes ago.

  
  
(Shiro): Glad to hear that! Now get some sleep. It's getting late. That goes for everyone else as well.

  
(Pidge): we love you too

  
(Pidge): wait not that's too much of a commitment

  
(Pidge): I like you a lot as a friend

  
(Pidge): yeah I agree with space dad we should sleep

  
(Shiro): Space dad?

 

(Pidge): Gn!

  
  
(Shiro): yeah..  Goodnight.

  
  
(Hunk): Glad to hear that, man!

  
(Hunk): We love you too

  
(Hunk): Goodnight everyone!

 

 _How are they all so unbothered by this?_ Maybe he was thinking too much about this but he couldn’t just leave it alone until he knew what was going on. He wasn’t going to deny it; he loved Lance. A lot. He cared deeply for him and refused to lose him. He wouldn’t know what he’d do if he lost that ray of light from his life.

 

_Where could he be?_

 

His bedroom is the first place checked. Maybe he was just sleep deprived and tired and felt the need to send his love everyone’s way. His heart pounded out of his chest when opening the door. Empty. He releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. So that means he wasn’t just texting half asleep. Well, maybe he was but not in bed.

 

He checked the main room next. Lights off, couches empty, no Lance.

 

Next was the kitchen. Then the dining room. Then the training room. And every other room he could think of. He even checks inside each lion. He’s at a dead end. Lance could have possibly gone back to his room in this amount of time and Keith hadn’t seen him. The castle was extremely large and it’s easy to get around the whole thing without bumping into anyone no matter what time it was.

 

Keith started to make his trudge back to the bedrooms. He took the shortest way he could think of, which involved passing the airlock door. Normally, this wouldn’t have been a thought in his mind, except he caught a glimpse of blue in the corner of his eye when walking past. He stopped in his tracks.

 

The red paladin slowly turns towards the door where the culprit himself stood on the other side.

 

“Lance?” The blue paladin didn’t seem to move from the trance he was caught in. It seemed as if he was contemplating something - and standing in the airlock way past two in the morning while contemplating never really headed to good things. Keith said it louder this time, “Lance!” This seemed to finally grasp his attention. Keith made eye contact with the other paladin.

 

They’re eyes locked and no one made any movement until Lance seemed to finally acknowledge Keith’s presence. Keith slowly moved his gaze downwards to take in the other paladin's state. His hair was a mess, he still wore his normal blue pajamas, and his phone in his hand lit up on the messaging app on the conversation to “Mullet”.

 

The pale boy’s eyes trailed back up to meet the blue ones that still stared in the same way as they did seconds before. Lance’s eyes slowly widened. “K-Keith?”

 

The door between them muffled his voice but luckily he could still hear him clearly enough.

 

His stutter let Keith know something was, in fact, wrong.

 

“Hey, man. What are you doing in there?” The softness in his voice surprised him, though he knew how genuine his concern was. He watched as Lance searched for an answer. The red paladin knew he was either looking for an excuse for he truly didn’t know himself.

 

“I, uh…”

 

“You, uh?” Keith mimicked him, lightheartedly.

 

“Just strolling around.” Keith didn’t like the answer, it was filled with uncertainty and thousands of unspoken words.

 

“Yeah?” He pushed for more of an answer, “At 2 in the morning?”

 

“I wasn't very tired. Thought taking a walk might help.”

 

Keith hated the way he sounded. Lance was always perky and cheerful when talking, but tonight he sounded dull and distant as if he wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying. He just wanted to bring the other paladin close and hold him to let him know whatever was happening in his head would get better and they could get through it together, but Keith wasn't so sure if that would be the best move right now.

 

“Why are you in the airlock then?”

 

Lance was silent again, distantly staring at his feet. Keith sighed. This wasn't going to get them anywhere and he knew he had to attack the problem now before it got any worse.

 

“Lance-”

 

“What are you doing here?” Keith knew he didn't mean for it to come off so harshly, but he was sure Lance just didn't want him to be there anymore.

 

“I came to check on you,” he stated truthfully, “I got a little worried after that message you sent to the group.”

 

“Message…?” It was a quiet question, most likely to himself, but Keith still heard it.

 

“The one you sent a while ago?” Lance seemed to search his mind, eyes going back and forth between empty spaces, before remembering with an “ _oh”_.

 

“Yeah, so what's going on?”

 

“I was just-”

 

“And before you make up an excuse, I know you're not okay.” Okay, maybe that was a bit too harsh, but he couldn't sugarcoat it any longer.

 

The dam broke. Tears fell down blue paladin's face. “It’s all so much, Keith. I'm so useless. Every time something happens I'm always the last one put into the plan. When we're out there something always go wrong and it's because of me. Even on the last mission. It was supposed to be simple and easy but I fucked everything up and got you hurt in the process!”

 

Keith remembered that. It happened a little over a week ago. He hadn't even thought much about it since it happened.

 

There was an abandoned ship sending out a distress signal and they went to check it out. The whole thing seemed empty so they started making their way out when they were attacked. The attackers went down easily and Lance started making jokes. Keith told him to stop and stay alert which resulted in a small bickering between the two. It was all harmless but during it, Keith wasn't as alert and was attacked from behind by one of the few attackers left. The attacker stabbed him but it wasn't bad because the blade was worn and growing dull. The rest of the mission was fine and Keith had healed easily within a few days. He hadn't realized Lance beat himself up over that.

 

“Lance, I'm fine. Look at me,” he said moving closer to glass, “I'm fine. Nothing bad happened.”

 

“But something did happen! You were stabbed because of me and-”

 

“No, I was stabbed because of the attackers. This is no one's fault other than the one wielding the blade. I'm fine now and everything is okay.”

 

“But it's not! Nothing is okay! I'm a fuck up and will continue to be one!” Lance screamed and if it weren't for the muffling door Keith would be worried about waking the others. He didn't want to overwhelm Lance anymore then he already is with more people here.

 

“No, Lance, you're not. You're everything anyone could ask for. You're cheerful, always there to help, selfless, perfect. You're my right-hand man and I wouldn't ask for anyone else to fight alongside with. I'll always turn to you when things go wrong. Everyone loves you, Lance! The team needs you!” He thought shortly about his next words, “I need you, Lance.”

 

Lance stood, unmoving, staring at Keith, looking for any source of lies.  Tears streamed down his face fast but they went unnoticed. Lance's face scrunches up before turning away.

 

“It's hard to believe that, you know?” Lance looks back up to meet Keith's eyes, “After being told every day how I'm stupid or that I'm not needed. It's always “shut up, Lance” not “thanks, Lance” and it hurts so damn much!” His face burned red with anger while tears continued to fall.

 

“So you're angry and you thought this was the answer? Throwing yourself into space to die?” The words hung in the air causing a pregnant silence.

 

Lance spoke up after what seemed like hours, “No… that's- that's not it.”

 

“Then what is it, Lance? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on.”

 

“I'm so fucking depressed, Keith" Now that was not what Keith expected, but what can you expect from someone standing in an airlock moments away from their own death. "I thought this was my dream come true! Going to space, fighting aliens, saving worlds! But it's just not that. I've watched innocents die because of me. Because I was too late or because I wasn't paying attention.”

 

Keith knew what he meant. Fighting in space seems so cool until you're there. Lives are lost and not being able to do anything to save them hurts like hell.

 

“I fuck up constantly and when something goes wrong it always points back to me. When you got stabbed because if me I almost lost it right there! I'm completely useless and honestly what the teams say about me is true.”

 

“But it's not!”

 

“Why do you care so much, Keith? Why are you still here? Don't you hate me? Just go back to sleep and forget about this. You'll all be better off when I'm gone anyway.” Lance's attitude change threw Keith off and he didn't know what to do. He decided to fight fire with fire.

 

“Who are you to decide that huh? Who are you to think that my life will be flowers and sunshine with you gone? Because new flash, _Lance,_  it won't be!”

 

Lance's face moved from anger to shock and confusion. “Keith wha-”

 

“I need you, Lance! I can't lose you! You're not just my teammate! You mean so much to me! I've fallen in love with you and you're just going to leave me?” Keith doesn't think about his words until they've left his mouth. He doesn't regret it.

 

He searches for an answer in Lance's eyes and only finds the same shock as before.

 

He almost gives up his search for something new, now facing the floor, until he hears an empty chuckle.

 

“What are you-”

 

“Do you know how long I've waited to hear those words? I never thought I'd hear them minutes before dying-”

 

“You're not dying-”

 

“But no matter what, those words still mean the world and more to me. I…” Lance trailed off, eyes darting to empty spaces looking for the right words to say, “I love you. I always have. Ever since the first time I saw you at the Garrison. I'd always see you and think 'this guy… this guy right here is in every way, every definition, perfect, and I'd never, ever, want to lose him’.

 

“I wanted to be in your life somehow but didn't know what to do. You were never one for friends and strayed from anyone who tried to get close. So I made the whole rival thing and it worked, enough at least.

 

“I saw you saving Shiro and knew it had to be some small kind of fate. So I followed you and here and, well you know the rest I guess.”

 

Keith was stuck at a loss of words. He let out a breath he didn't know he was, once again, holding. He held up his hand to the glass and allowed a year to go down his check. Lance brought his hand to meet the other. The two looked into each other’s eyes for what could have been an eternity before simultaneously saying “I love you”. They laughed together at this, not looking away from each other’s gaze.

 

“I’m so sorry for anything I’ve said that's ever hurt you. I’m _so fucking sorry_.” Keith apologized with his entire heart.

 

“Don’t be. I’ve never thought bad once about you. Even when we bickered, nothing could have ruined the way I felt about you. And I don’t want you to blame yourself, not even once, about tonight.”

 

“Lance?”

 

The blue paladin brought his hand up toward the button for the airlock release. “I should have told you all of that a long time ago.”

 

“No, Lance, _no._ ” Tears streamed down Keith’s face quickly, non-stopping. “You can’t do this. You can’t leave me! Not after everything we just said!”

 

“I’m sorry, but it’s just not that easy.”

 

“Why would you say those things just for us to end up like this?” Keith’s yelling now but couldn’t care less about waking any others, he doubts they’d hear them all the way over here anyway.

 

“I didn’t want either of us to regret anything.”

 

Keith felt frustrated and sorrowful and at a loss of hope. He truly didn’t know what to do. He decided on continuing to let out his thoughts and feelings.

 

“I thought we could've had something. We could be something!”

 

“I would love that, except, it’s so hard and I just can’t do it anymore.”

 

“Do what?” He knew what, but didn’t want to think that was the truth.

 

“Live and pretend everything is always okay because it’s not and, if I’m being honest, it’s exhausting and I don’t want to do it anymore.” Keith could hear the defeat in Lance’s voice.

 

“Then let me help! Get out of there and we can get through this together!” He was just begging to deaf ears now, but continued on, “ _please_!”

 

Lance just smiles at him, “I love you so much.” He presses the button, the countdown starts. “Please don’t blame anyone for this. Especially not yourself.”

 

“Lance! _Get out of there_!” He’s frantic, screaming with tears streaming down his face.

 

He wishes a tick lasted a century, instead of the short moment that comes and goes. He wishes he could’ve done more. He wishes to go back and fix this all, let Lance know every day, every second, how much Keith truly loves him. But those wishes would never come true. They’d go out to be unheard and he’d never be able to do those things as the countdown reaches three.

 

“I love you, Keith”

 

_Two._

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I love you.” Keith knew these were his last words to the blue paladin and didn’t want to waste them on pleading.

 

_One._

 

“Goodbye.”

 

_Airlock opening._

 

The sounds of the wind whirling around broke Keith. Watching Lance fly back into empty space destroyed him. Going out later to find his icy, lifeless body to give him a proper funeral and goodbye did everything but kill him. The haunting thoughts of failing Lance, the person he loved most, and never being able to love him as long as he lived, did.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Every 4/20 I post a heavy angst, character death fic and decided to move this tradition to A03 since I don't post on fanfiction.net anymore. I'm really sorry for the weird spacing between paragraphs in the beginning but it's 11:56 pm on 4/20 and I need to get this posted NOW haha.
> 
> I know the last story I posted was only a week ago and also a suicide, but I hadn't known exactly what to post this year for my tradition and I decided this would be easier since I had some small ideas written down to go off of for this fic. I'm actually working on a fic that's not a character death and a long, multi-chapter so be excited for whenever I get that done. 
> 
> Also, I am planning on posting some light-hearted things in the future, even though I am an angst queen, so look out for that!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading <3


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